November 17th, 2009

Time: 09:20 pm

“All the … attributes ascribed to the supremely happy man are evidently those connected with this activity [of reasoning], it follows that this will be the complete happiness of man, if it be allowed a complete term of life … But such a life would be too high for man; for it is not in so far as he is man that he will live so, but in so far as something divine is present in him; and by so much as this is superior to our composite nature is its activity superior to that which is the exercise of the other kinds of virtue. … But we must not follow those who advise us, being men, to think of human things, and being mortals, to think of mortal things, but must, so far as we can, make ourselves immortal, and strain every nerve to live in accordance with the best thing in us” (Nicomachean Ethics X.6).

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May 29th, 2008

Current Music: third eye blind: london Subject: today was my last day of high school. i have to be an adult now. are you fucking joking? Time: 08:32 am Current Mood: blank

Through the satellites, I fight with you That local brew is spillin' I know just how you spend your time I want to get my hands on him Somebody's party in a London flat You're where it's at and I know You want to see me lose my mind I'm tired of chasing after you The residue is jealous See me on the dark side of your mind I want to get my hands on him To a club that's pounding in the London rain The world could end we wouldn't hear it I know just what's on your mind I see the way your face has changed We're no good for each other You tricked me into coming here So let go, I don't want to go to London I told you I don't care I don't want to go to London To live there I don't want to go to London All your friends afflicted I don't want to go to London She's addicted I saw you with him I know where you've been That nose is broken wide open Your way has got me out of line I want to get my hands on him You're so sick to make me prove It takes a fight to move you I know just what's on your mind It's been this way a thousand years We torture each other So why the hell'd you call me here When you know I don't want to go to London

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February 22nd, 2008

Time: 05:24 pm Current Mood: okay

i feel very alone but not in the sense that i want someone to displace that lonliness, just... this is life, i don't think anyone ever really knows anyone and everything is fleeting and it's a lonely deal

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December 6th, 2007

Time: 07:35 pm

are you having any fun? what ya getting outta living? what good is what you've got, if you're not having any fun?

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October 30th, 2007

Time: 03:46 pm

a very happy halloween to all of you :) i think it would be clever if i went as a candystriper, since i want to become a surgeon I WILL SEE YOU AT SAW 4 MISS AMY BREESEMAN have i misspelled it after all of these years? also julia wtf is your marital status are you off or on with that boy?

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November 23rd, 2006

Current Music: feist Current Location: my house Time: 02:09 pm Current Mood: grateful

alright. it's thanksgiving. so thank you, everyone and everything. much love :) gotta go finish the turkey, i've already made the pie. and it's amazing, and i'm so proud of myself hehe. xo kids, i may invade for dessert, so be prepared i pray youre all happy today

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July 3rd, 2006

Current Music: u2 - the sweetest thing, downtown sasquatch - together forev Current Location: the house Subject: silly Time: 05:11 pm Current Mood: optimistic

don't get me wrong i'm happy to finally have you, in a relatively stable and mature state. you have no idea how happy i am, actually. it's pretty much the final gratification of... finding god and this whole quintessence of coming into my own, seeing things clearly, etc. it's just be nice to know that that's reciprocal. i can tell you care. over the last two years, yeah on and off various degrees of caring on both our parts. damn it, though.. i deserve to be made to feel special. it gets frustrating, and i know that's natural. just... flirt with me again!

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May 19th, 2006

Current Music: garbage, switchfoot, modest mouse Current Location: home Time: 07:10 pm Current Mood: good

i went out to a movie at bethesda row today, the alternative indie film accomodation. the film was called 'friends with money,' i took my mom, because it seemed like something she'd enjoy. thoroughly enjoyed, it was a success. the picture was essentially about four women who appear to have been very close friends for years and years. they are all approximately forty or so, and each has her own emotional situation, dilemmas, dead ends, prayers, and disappointments. in one case, a woman is in a sort of midlife crisis - one of apathy - and is so distressed by her own lack of reverie or prospect that she is constantly on edge, ready to pounce at any small injustice. she throws tantrums at parking offenses and some unintentional trespass in a shopping line. this, ironically enough, was very reminiscent of my mom's behavior, to herself as well. the character neglects washing her hair for several weeks, because, as she eludicates to her suspectedly gay but honestly merely stylish and caring spouse, "it will only get dirty again. i'm just tired. my arms get tired." she's a mess. another character has marital conflicts where there is scarecly room for blame, only a miserable lack of affection. these women and another are quite wealthy, while their misfit of a companion, played by jennifer aniston, is working as a maid after quitting her draining career as a high-school professor, and is very lonely, lusting ethereally after a married man she once dated. in the end, all are better off than their original unsatisfying positions in life. but the miraculous thing is that none predicted their transition as it occured. to me, it was sort of the quintessence of being unaware of what you need, or on occasion, resting what you think you know and allowing fate to refine this idea or your circumstances. got me thinking that even though talking to him feels like home, maybe i can (anew today, tomorrow, and the day after) believe in giving it a rest. yes? no. yes. maybe so. time, you are an angel, you are my savior. you are my hope, really. time is god, i realized. ::edit:: actually, i sincerely believe in feeling what you feel without too much restraint. so if a change comes a long, spectacular. but if i feel a longing, caring, love for him... i can't very will stiffle it. it's legal soon. i wonder if that will be... of importance by the time it is real. you know, whether it will be a blessing because we will be interested, or wholly unimportant because.. we aren't anymore.

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April 14th, 2006

Current Music: elliott smith - pitseleh Time: 12:30 pm Current Mood: lonely

am i that easy to let go? do i really mean this little? every time it's easy for you. it usually is for me as well, but only because i know you'll come around. this time you said you'd try very hard not to. "even if i feel love for you when we talk, i'll never let it get far, i'll never say it." what the fuck? why? why? why? why? what am i supposed to do? nothing. there's nothing i can do. and the helplessness and the longing is driving me crazy every single second im alone. and anyway i feel alone most of the time, so really it's most of my waking life that i miss you. on the metro, in the street. it's because i don't have closure. but i don't want it, because i think that when people love each other, they need to work on it until it fits. not just run away, although at this point, even i am tempted to fast forward to the demanding distractions of PSATs and SATs and all those others, college applications and fucking relocation away from you. but i'm wise enough to know that had i all that currently, i'd be cold and miserable and alone. which brings us back to square one. i love you and i understand you. and i don't want to have to prove it or explain it to anyone, to you, anymore. i just want to see you, to hug you, to feel your presence. the conversation we had right before you broke it off, i casually mentioned an emotional iceberg and blew off talking about for fear of boring you, and you said, "don't act like i don't care." and i said, "thank you." and you told me you loved me. you did. i'm ok with distance as long as i know the subtle caring is there. but now you're denying it. so i guess you don't care, do you? do you? i can't believe either way and i can't ask because... because i'm afraid you don't want to hear from me. but it's agony, seeing traces of you, hearing about you. and it's awful when you disappear. i need you. please please please make this go away. i'm so lonely without you. how could you not miss me back. do you? fuck! edit: it's not a nostalgia thing. this is way above my dwelling in the past. i went by the linkin park house that we hung out in for better or worse, and it's definately more of we should be together now situation.

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March 24th, 2006

Current Music: Disney Music - A Whole New World Time: 08:43 am Current Mood: tired

let's take a road trip, far away from here, for a day, a week, or maybe forever. let's go where the beach breeze soothes our salty-stinging skin, or somewhere the houses will do justice to future christmases. i don't know. point is i'm sick as hell, my brain feels swollen and my sinuses are entirely apathetic towards my demands of them - i can't breathe. it was pretty much awful starting wednesday morning, but i think things are about to improve nose-wise, or they better had, seeing as amy and i are going to see koRn tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blah. i need a book, im reading print-outs of brave new world cause i'm too... dilapitated to go to the library and get it. my brain is rotting.

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February 14th, 2006

Current Music: jack johnson - better together Time: 03:45 pm Current Mood: content

maybe i'm the one who was in denial. some people you lose in life. "not because you're a bad person or shallow or mean. but because things change. and friends leave. and life doesn't stop for anybody." and sometimes you lose yourself. but you find them again, if it's meant to happen. for me letting go is always hard, i often resent change when it means losing people, even when i try to embrace it in general. and i hope i'm not doing it this time around. i'm really just content to know that some people i wont lose touch with, because they're too important. and i'm happy this one person's agreed to be one of them, mutually. from there, jesus, let time tell, i don't care at all. everyone will catch up with one another eventually. just make sure you catch up to yourself, that's most important. in other news: a baby was born on the thirtteenth, and i will love it forever, through all of it's thoughts and changes. and the first song he ever heard was 'wake for young souls' (which i sang tolerably, i think) by third eye blind. because that's a good start, i think. -duni p.s. jared's very sick and trying to pedal mass amounts of drugs? p.s.s. i NEED to go bowling

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January 24th, 2006

Time: 08:37 pm

In a wild dedication Take the moment of hope And let it run Never look back At all the damage we have done now To each other To each other To each other But when I see you It’s like I’m staring down the sun And I’m blinded Still you know I’ll try again Cause I believe that we are lucky We are golden We have stolen manners in the days when we were one So when I see you In spite of all that we’ve become I’m still blinded But I’m still staring down the sun

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January 10th, 2006

Current Music: darwin - third eye blind Subject: i'll pull you in to the lake and hope it'll stall your watch Time: 05:28 pm Current Mood: happy im not a hypocrite

"hm. i feel like i have something to say to you but i'm not sure what. i guess i'm just still unsure why you don't want to see me. the law, lol? i'm kind of down with not going out par se, but what happened to all that let's talk things out and being on the same page goodness? i don't know. you aren't ready and i don't think i am but then if we understand each other why should we be apart? i want to do things right, but i don't want to loose you is all." [You don't realize this is good. This doesn't happen often.] just thought i should write down the message i won't send because it was ultimately more for myself. but look, all simple vocabulary and all real. hah. really when i consider it seriously, neither of us are in a place in life where we want to date, but also it's just that thing where... you meet someone who understands and makes you feel good and dares you to trust them in a totally pure way. "Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting. I can't believe you left me again..." but he is coming back. he always comes back, he never gets over me fully. it's just that sometimes i forget and get overwhelmed by how much i like him, and how it hasnt faded over all of this time. and sometimes it hurts, the fear that there might come a day that he'll resist calling me after a month or two like he always does, that we'll look back and realize we've lost something beautiful. and sometimes it's amazing just to know he's out there. and sometimes we hang out and it's like proof of truth or 'god' or benevolence or love or whatever you want to call it. whatever, i don't want to speak for him or make anyone flip out with questions. i just needed to say it, to clear my understanding and emotions on it.

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January 2nd, 2006

Current Music: caress me down - sublime Subject: my daddy said all them rodeo cowboys was fuck ups Time: 04:59 pm Current Mood: a little rushed

people are strange. complex is more fitting. it's difficult to get along with everyone, avoiding superficiality, of course. hitting snags in the web of one's aquaintances is natural, and working with them is a drawn out experience. society is there largely to aid in knowing oneself, in contemplating relationships, weighing wants and needs as of other people. 'relate' is the root of the word 'relationship.' it's a comfort to find someone who understands, that's why the search for love prevails in today's world which often seems cynical and evil. true love is between two people, whether in romance or friendship. it's gratifying.

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December 10th, 2005

Current Music: elliott smith, third eye blind, eve 6, switchfoot Subject: dare you to move Time: 01:05 am Current Mood: ready

what if change is the best thing the world has to offer? what if the bible is a joke? what if i never write that book? what if the boy i want to love won't go anywhere? what if i don't care? what if i got cancer? what if i am small and insignificant and stupid? what if oil is the currency of corruption? what if nobody ever listens, ever? what if apathy is genuine? what if i become a famous actress? what if i think school uniforms are convinient? what if relating to everyone means you don't exist? what if i spend so much time picking words that my father likes that i never say anything that means anything? what if writting in the third person is something too impersonal? what if i never read all of that literature? what if psychiatrists make more money than any of us for a reason? what if cheap comedies are amusing? what if jesus rock has its moments? what if i like gore? what if some people see me as a bitch and others an angel? what if drugs aren't drugs aren't drugs? what if third eye blind's cheesiest song has truth? what if hate is a fallacy? what if i like revealing clothes? what if not? i don't know. i can't give answers, because though so many people figure i'm opinionated or impulsive, that's not exactly the case. everybody's got this perception of me, and i'm just trying to hit happy. i don't have any excessive expectations or plans. i've got some talents, some perception, some principals, but i'm not a concept. my best friend wrote once that she'd been desprately, persistently trying to fit some cliche her whole life. i think that's everybody - but we're flaky and thoughtful, and thank god for that. you are a mold for experience, and to deny that is to blind yourself. there are lessons, memories, dreams, there is bullshit, and there is inspiration. the world is under the influence. my dad won't listen to sad classical music because he's afraid of feeling, while a beautiful boy came off anti-depressants and found hope along with the hopelessness of reality. the guy i always thought was one of the aware dropped out of highschool because he hates the government, and i was going to do the same. my english teacher is preoccupied with blaction, and the hypocrisy is distressing her. the only good i've ever done, i think, was based on the only constant truth - nothing should be shut out. life is exactly as it should be, if only for the purpose of being changed. so live. -duni

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December 6th, 2005

Time: 03:43 pm

1) Was 2005 a good year for you? it was tough. probably the hardest ever... from like sept 04 to late spring 05. so yeah, difficult year. 2) What were your favorite moment(s) of the year? uh being with certain people, getting over things, watching donnie darko 100+x 3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? depression depression hopelessness 4) Where were you when 2005 began? fucking some stupid house party. it was terrible. 5) Who were you with? wasted adults. 6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? in the general metropolitan area, dropping firecrackers into champagne 7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? with people i love 8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? uh... i dont think i made any 9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? not yet. not a bad idea, though. 10) Did you fall in love in 2005? maybe, not quite 15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? sort of 16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? of course 17) Who are your favorite new freinds? hm; kuljeet... people from all over dc.. i dunno. 18) What was your favorite month of 2005? the most recent ones. like, november. 19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? ummmmmmm.. no, i dont think 20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? like 8? 21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? i thought i might, but i didnt. actually, frida left. but that's another story. 22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? yes 23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? saw II, life as a house, american history x, groundhog day....blahblhblah weatherman? i dunno. im a cinematography buff, there're many. 24) What was your favorite song from 2005? oh man. third eye blind definately owned this year and will probably continue said domination. with a juicy side of incubus. 25) What was your favorite record from 2005? life... surfer rosa - pixies, graduate - third eye blind, international superhits, transatlanticism - death cab, AND make yourself. 26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? a bunch man, a bunch. 27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? hfstival with chris and the dc kids - coldplay, citizen cope, aaand the foo fighters. hell yes. 28) did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005? there was a really awful phase of drinking far too much because 40oz to freedom was the only chance i had to feel good even though i felt bad. but other than that i've been passing on booze for the most part. 29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? the rare high. 30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? as few as it takes to be unashamed 31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? not really. i think that once youve made a choice, it's the only one you could have. 33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? uh. none that i can recall. maybe just some gossip stopping crap like, "yeah, well dont say that about her, she's dead." 34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? probably a bit 35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? probably 36) How much money did you spend in 2005? psh. outside of like food and clothing within reason, completely. 37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? realizing what it means to need someone 38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? i dunno. between falling off of podiums, falling into peoples' crotches, falling off of chairs, and singing in the process... you pick one. 39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? no. 40) What are your plans for 2006? draw more, read, go along with my junior-year-grad-plan, love

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December 1st, 2005

Time: 11:18 pm

cds i want/all i really want for xmas these are priority, burn them if you’ve got em: *Third Eye Blind – anything besides selftitled and blue Interpol – Interpol *Seal Beastie Boys Eve 6 Green Day (anything but superhits and the new album) Incubus (anything but make yourself and morning view, preferably science) these I’d just like to have, whatever, unnecessary: Barenaked Ladies Beck Cake (anything but pressure chief) Coldplay (anything but x&y, lost my old cds) Jack Johnson Jason Mraz Pink Floyd (anything but dark side of the moon and a momentary lapse of reason) Queens of the Stoneage (anything but lullabies to paralyze, preferably songs for the deaf) Radiohead (anything but the bends and hail to the thief) ramones? Motion City Soundtrack – commit this to memory so yeah. that's it for me for christmas. love.

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November 19th, 2005

Current Music: incubus, the blood brothers, elliott smith, jason mraz Subject: freezing my nips off out here Time: 02:34 pm Current Mood: truly happy

ARE YOU IN? incubus is such an amazing band. bright eyes, though, more front and center, were amazing last night. connor, with his conveyance of depression, his loving hope, and political analysis is just... unbelievable. i wish i could give him a hug, he's living his life with wise insight. reading too many books at once. by process of elimination have come to the pic of dorian grey by wilde, siddharta hesse, and pearls before swine by my beloved kurt vonnegut. good literature owns. but!!! i'm also finally writting myself. it's so gratifying. if i finish it... oh man. my aspiration to pull off this writer thing has been rediculous since i was like 10. excitment. THANKSGIVING is just around the bend. i hope everyone enjoys theirs, because it's truly a holiday of unity and awesomeness and food once you get past the propaganda. ...and then christmasssss! and now to watch donnie darko and aquateen. what a good day. -duni

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October 8th, 2005

Current Music: korn, incubus, and eve 6 Subject: and i can feel nothing but gratitude for every minute of my stupid life Time: 08:45 pm Current Mood: grateful

{now that i'm back in the atmosphere i act like summer and i walk like rain reminds you that there's time to change; since the return of my stay on the moon i listen like spring and i talks like june the wind swept me off my feet and i missed you while i was looking for myself out there} i feel like myself again. maybe it comes at an inopportune moment, but i finally feel like i know what i'm doing again. why i feel what i feel and do what i do. i fight for the enlightenment of the ignorant, not their extermination. i fight for joy not malice. i feel happy. i feel like i can help again. live again, to my full potential. as myself. third eye blind is such a good band. shit. and madame bovary is a decent piece of writting right thurr. dogma's a great movie. alainis morsset is god, for christ's sake - you know it's brilliance. but silent bob speaks, man. disturbing. really uplifting film though. been having a few ideas for scripts myself though. it would be so amazing to one day give people something they can think about, enjoy. maybe someone someday will watch some movie i directed and connect it to donnie darko. dubb it "richard kelly-esque," or pertaining in some way to cat's cradle or some other literary masterpiece. not to say what ever i create - music, books, movies, art - would be like other works, but on their level of genius, or have slight similarities. maybe incubus'll want in on my soundtrack! seriously though. "i wanna be a writer, maybe a painter. or maybe both. i could write a book and draw the... pictures. i dunno, change things." ah. i'll... create something good, i know i will. and i'm excited for christmas and the holidays and being with my friends and seeing. i think that i'm living like there's no tomorrow so that when there is, i'm pleasantly surprised. -duni p.s. jared parr, it's gonna be alright and better.

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September 3rd, 2005

Current Music: citizen cope|let the drummer kick Subject: inspitation Time: 09:47 pm Current Mood: content

Relations (Apollo had to break 'em) Creation (A gift, a blessing) Incarceration (What keeps you down) Determination (What gets you out) Equation (When they said you could make it) Humiliation (What you feel when they say it) Reincarnation (N-A-V) Situation (Why we've got to sing) Elation (Let the drummer kick, so many in need) Identification (Gives you the right to shoot) Retaliation (What would it do) Education (Gives you the right to choose) Inspiration (Is what pulls you through) No substitution (No subsitute) Non-inclusion (You've got to bust through) Drug infusion (For the chosen few) Mass confusion (When they say that they died for you) Solution (It can take a hold of you) Conclusion Inspiration (Is what pulls you through) Let the drummer kick (Inspiration) Let the drummer kick that (Inspiration) You don't even have to wait

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